Bodies No.1

The new girl was plump, gloriously plump, in a way that made Angie, who had always craved thinness, want to be just as full and shapely. The new girl had apple-round cheeks that tapered to a dainty chin. Her nails were painted gold and sat like gems embedded in her fleshy fingers. She had the sort of fingers that you liked to watch kneading dough, or braiding hair, or handling jewellery.

She neither flaunted nor hid her body. Her jeans followed the expanses of her buttocks and hips and fell cleanly to her ankles. Her fitted black top hugged the swells of her breasts and tummy. She wore the sleeves pushed up to her elbows, revealing chubby, smooth forearms and a bracelet from which dangled the letter J.

Angie watched as the new girl lifted her chin and laughed. The small of her lower back made a letter C, rising into the softness of shoulders, the softness of chestnut curls. Angie felt the corners of her own mouth tugging into a smile.

How to be a Woman

Keep trying your hardest to be a Woman.

Look after your appearance. People will disregard you if you’re unattractive. Doubly so if you’re fat. Ensure you apply anti-wrinkle products. Age is inversely correlated with relevance.

Don’t be too emotional. If you do get upset, quickly minimise it by attributing it to your hormones. But don’t be too aloof, either. Women should be warm, not cold.

Always have a prepared answer for the questions:
1. When do you want to have kids?
2. How many kids do you want to have?

Laugh genially at jokes about women belonging in the kitchen. You must have a sense of humour, even if it’s not funny.

Be relaxed enough to be ‘one of the blokes’. Be savvy enough to be ‘one of the girls’.

Work bloody hard for that promotion, to make up for the fact that you may need to take maternity leave, or drop to part-time, or you’re just not as tall and white and relatable and impressive as the dude who used to be your colleague.

Remember that your time isn’t yours. Apart from work, remember the other important things. Keep your house modern and enviable: a steady stream of candles, cushions and kitchen appliances are helpful. It’s advisable to have a repertoire of signature dishes ready to whip out in front of unexpected guests. Of course, if you have kids, that comes first.

Know how to apply make-up so that you look like you’re not wearing make-up.

Drink wine, but not too much (drunks aren’t attractive). Read, but not too much (nerds aren’t attractive). Exercise, but not too much (bodybuilders aren’t attractive).

Curate your Instagram.

Don’t be an expert. Always be ready to receive an explanation from a Man. Bonus points if you smile and nod a lot.