How to be a Woman

Keep trying your hardest to be a Woman.

Look after your appearance. People will disregard you if you’re unattractive. Doubly so if you’re fat. Ensure you apply anti-wrinkle products. Age is inversely correlated with relevance.

Don’t be too emotional. If you do get upset, quickly minimise it by attributing it to your hormones. But don’t be too aloof, either. Women should be warm, not cold.

Always have a prepared answer for the questions:
1. When do you want to have kids?
2. How many kids do you want to have?

Laugh genially at jokes about women belonging in the kitchen. You must have a sense of humour, even if it’s not funny.

Be relaxed enough to be ‘one of the blokes’. Be savvy enough to be ‘one of the girls’.

Work bloody hard for that promotion, to make up for the fact that you may need to take maternity leave, or drop to part-time, or you’re just not as tall and white and relatable and impressive as the dude who used to be your colleague.

Remember that your time isn’t yours. Apart from work, remember the other important things. Keep your house modern and enviable: a steady stream of candles, cushions and kitchen appliances are helpful. It’s advisable to have a repertoire of signature dishes ready to whip out in front of unexpected guests. Of course, if you have kids, that comes first.

Know how to apply make-up so that you look like you’re not wearing make-up.

Drink wine, but not too much (drunks aren’t attractive). Read, but not too much (nerds aren’t attractive). Exercise, but not too much (bodybuilders aren’t attractive).

Curate your Instagram.

Don’t be an expert. Always be ready to receive an explanation from a Man. Bonus points if you smile and nod a lot.

Published by

Grace

On a quest to: 1) Make Asian-Australian character-driven speculative fiction a legit genre 2) Turn myself into a chocolate-coffee monster by eating all the chocolate and coffee in the world. Alllll.

4 thoughts on “How to be a Woman”

  1. How true! I tried to count how many applies to me, definitely the make up bit. Although, I have my laziness to thank for for not being the perfect example of a modern woman. All these neurotic conflicts!

    Like

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